To answer a good question brought up by Issac...

This is in reply to Issac's last question about the 'funk' I mentioned in my last post (or perhaps you got the feeling I had something funky going on like depression all along!). I meant to write about it sooner than later - and it has been an interesting journey - looking back anyways.

I suspect that I've always battled some type of 'light depression' although I could usually turn it around after secluding myself in my room that I rented out for a whole weekend. Of course, not having the world's most normal childhood (or most positive) one could say that I'm not 'normally' depressed - just through my environment growing up. In any case I've always had a remarkably strong faith in God and the Virgin Mary thanks to my Grandmother Marie. That alone helped me through life and kept me going.

Forward to 2000. All is well, I'm married, just moved here to be with grandparents before they pass on (they both died), make new friends, work at HP, find the Orthodox faith, find out I have Endo. A lot of stuff in one year - most of this stuff counts as 'major stressors' that tip depression for anyone. God prevails and shows us through.

Then we get pregnant thanks to the Theotokos and the holy oil that Abbess Suzanna gave me. A miracle. An awful pregnancy, a new job (IPO and more money), a colic-y screaming unhappy kid - things start looking a bit bleak. Our faith in God sustains us, again.

After that point things got a bit messy - having a kid will do that sometimes. Forward to present year. I'm sick again with another surgery on the horizon, feeling terrible, with my dream of homeschooling dashed (the good part of that is that JP loves his school) and my depression getting worse with the increasing pain (from endo and my sciatica) and being at home, alone, for most of the day. I decide to wait for after the surgery to get my life together and try to pray when I can.

The surgery results were mixed - it took me forever to get it together again but the trade off was that I'm healthier than I've ever been thanks to my Rock Star Doctor at Stanford. He warned me about being depressed during the recovery, but I thought I had already dealt with that sort of thing before and could handle it the same way this time.

Uh, no.

This time was different. The depression was overwhelming at times and would hit me all of the sudden. I was at home a lot, sleeping a lot, feeling like whatever I did it just wasn't good enough, clean enough, nice enough, whatever lie I held on to at the moment became real for me.

The good thing was that I knew somewhere back in my brain that the 'real' me was still there. I could feel her and knew that she was waiting for me to get to her. During all this stuff I was on a light form of Prozac (Serafem) for PMDD (a lot of women have this) - and instead of taking it one week per month, I was on the stuff 2-4-7. I think it helped me out in a lot of ways, but I tried to get out from under the funk by getting outside in the sun, walking to the store, blogging, reading the paper each morning, keeping up my knitting projects, talking to friends on the phone (most of them moved away) and keeping in touch with my Russian Grandfather.

Waiting all day for Justin to come home with Chris was unbearable at times. There were days when I had the car (we have always had one car that we share for most of our 10+ years together) that I wanted to pick up Justin early from school - just to have something to do. Then there were the nights when Chris came home and I literally would jump in his face and being talking about ANYTHING - it was so nice to see an adult!

I'm not a TV watcher, so watching junk on TV was silly - but sometimes a comedy show would help me smile a bit and laugh. Once I could do that I knew I was OKAY. Laughing is medicine, truly.

I also started hanging out with my cousins who live in the area. We don't always hang out, but I figured it was mostly my fault for not reaching out to them enough. So, when they go out for dessert, dinner or coffee on a spur of the moment thing, I'll do my best to go with them (sans JP or with).

Since my best buddie from across the street moved away I couldn't just walk across the street and hang out, knit, visit, be silly, be myself. That was a big change for me. If something was wrong, walk across the street. If I was lonely, go see Jenn. If I was so mad that I didn't make any sense, walk over to Jenn's house. When I was in so much pain that I couldn't drive, I could muster enough energy to go see her. It was therapy! Poor Jenn - I know her bill is in the mail!! LOL!

Friends are key when one is going through something like this - like my 'funk' as I like to call it. Going to work again for only a week has shown amazing results for me. My hubby noticed and let me in on it this week. He says I'm a totally different person now. More positive, more energized, more of who I was prior to the baby. I don't think I could have done this two months ago or even a week earlier, to be honest with you. Something to do with the timing. God letting me know when it was time by giving me an opportunity through this temp agency to work at the hospital's HR department.

Some women go through post partum depression (I did that, but it wasn't as dark as most ladies have it) and that's their only visit to depression land. I mean that there are other types of depression that set in - some healthy, some temporary, some over quickly and some are self-inflicted of course - but I'm talking about the chemical imbalance of depression that ain't something that you can get a massage, drink a glass of wine with a friend, go shopping and VOILA! it's getting better.

Being at home with kids is the hardest unpaid job in the world, yet also the most interesting one. Where else can you be with your children all day long, watch them grow, clean the house, learn with your kids, have fun AND get depressed so quickly - without knowing it? Happened to me.

Some of my friends who had one child like me either had a second one or are pregnant now with their second or third and although it's great for them, I can't do it - can't do it physically due to the Endo and can't do it because as I get older (I'm 34), the hormones just do what they want - and I can't afford to go through that again. It's too taxing on me and my family and friends.

During all of this, I've thought of my own mother who had five of us kids due to Endo (it was seen as a cure - just get pregnant!!!) and she stayed home with all of us. She hated it and we hated it. We loved going to school because it gave us some time off from mom at home. She hung out all day at home, watched soap operas, went shopping, fixed the house like Martha Stewart in colour (a bit wild for my tastes) and drove us all NUTS.

In the morning, she was awful to deal with, in the afternoon she slept, in the evening she screamed at everyone - and in the middle of the night she would become obsessed with if the clothes in our drawers were folded properly. I'm speaking of the sock drawer. No, she wasn't nuts, but we thought she was. Being home for so long and not having to work tipped her chemical imbalance off the charts til finally, nobody could stand being around her.

Although I feel pity for my mother and her condition, I also don't understand why one would want to linger in that state for so long. I don't understand why she didn't take a class (she was good with music, math and art), join a mother's group (I did), take up reading and turn off the TV, start jogging, go to the library (they always need volunteers), join the church Sunday School program - do something, ANYTHING.

I know that when JP was a baby and things weren't going well at home for anyone, I launched into helping out at the church. I did the bookstore (totally re-did the place and turned it around), I helped with any party planning, kids' activities, church cleaning, you name it, I did it. Yeah, I was nuts - and yeah, it was too much to do for a endo/c-section lady lugging around a child, but I made solid friends through this that I still talk to til this day. I have good memories that outweigh the bad with the events that I do and as usual, God showed me that I am capable of much, much more than I think I can do for others.

Issac, I'm not sure if your wife is simply going through being pregnant (a roller coaster ride no doubt) AND being a stay at home mom, but if you'd like for me to strike up a friendship on the phone with her, I'd be happy to. There's another lady in this town that is a good friend of my best friend (Jenn in Chicago) that is pregnant (has two boys already) and she's in need of friends too. It's not much for us ladies to pick up the phone and get to know each other (if we live far away), write letters, or drive across town (in Jenn's friend's case) and encourage each other.

Our mutual friend on line, Laura, from Nicholas' Board, wrote me letters - hand written - when she had some time on her hands (and we all know that she's one busy lady!!!). God knows how much it meant to me to get a letter in my mail box with her lovely handwriting on it. Of course, I still owe her a letter from last month, but just having some outside contact from another woman that CARES made all the difference for that day. (Thanks Laura! And may God bless you for your friendship!)

This is where sisterhood comes in. Us gals need each other. We've all been through different things, but there are basic things that we all share - having children, being at home, getting depressed from time to time.

I'm sure there are books and books about these subjects about women and their childbearing years, depression and how to get a life as a mom, but I truly know that friendship - in any form - works wonders for one's soul. I hope I've helped a bit, Issac - and please ask any questions you'd like - I'm pretty open about things and I type pretty fast! (almost as fast as I blab!) LOL!

We'll make sure to pray for your wife - I remember her when I do the prayers for a mother and her unborn child each night. You're a great hubby for caring for your wife so much. God bless you too!