Allergies are so 'not glam'

 

 

This is glam:

This is not glam: 


This is the fifth allergy season I've endured this Spring.  Seriously.  When Spring hits, I know that the long eyelashes, the dark lipstick and the makeup in general are pretty much 'out the door.'  Allergies mean that you can't always be 'glam' during the Spring when you're way too busy trying to breathe and see anything.  When the rains stop, the winds kick in and lordy, lordy, it's 'game on' with allergy meds, rinses, sprays, ice packs, and a lot of trips to the doctor and the pharmacy. 

What's that you say - 'over the counter stuff' - don't make me laugh (or sneeze) that stuff is for amateurs!

I find that the thing that may work besides not breathing or being alive during this season is to wear one of those face masks all the time.  Unless you're Lady Gaga and people expect you to look like a freak, I don't advise it.  It's really not 'glam' and people will say "Oh, doing the Michael Jackson thing again today, eh?"

Maybe if we bling a mask out and add a pretty ribbon to tie it with in back it won't be 'as bad' and I maybe I can just say I'm a religious follower of Lady Gaga?  Hey, it could work, but forget the makeup underneath.  It would get all smear-o-riffic in a second.  You'd look like the Joker from Batman - and I mean all the Batman films and all the versions of the Joker combined.  Of course, you wouldn't have to take your inhalers, which means less steroids in your body, so you wouldn't ACT like the Joker, which is a good thing.

Forget waterproof makeup when you're suffering with allergies - it runs.  And forget all hopes of wearing mascara to make yourself look like you're awake and to fluff up those lashes because there is nothing more unglam then watery raccoon eyes.  Nothing. 

Then there's foundation and blush.  Are you kidding?  You're already red and puffy, why draw attention to that?  For those that put their hopes in waterproof foundation or concealer - it's just not gonna keep you afloat - just jump ship and don't bother with the makeup during this season.

Lipstick and lip gloss are pointless when the rest of you is looking like a bloated mess from the neck up.  The only hope you have for your mouth at this point is Blistex or something that has a minty smell like Vicks Vapo Rub.  It MAY help open those nasal passages. 

I even hesitate to put on sunscreen during this time of year although, at my age, it's vital that I keep that ritual up no matter what the state of my allergies.  Wrinkles, you know.  But even sunscreen with all the best ingredients can be a little tricky.  With all of the allergic reactions happening during the day, some of that sunscreen is bound to get in your eyes.  When that happens, you really, truly cannot see and the pain is quite horrible. 

Ready for your closeup now?  I think not.  Just grab me a paper bag so I can function at my desk for the rest of the day.  Don't worry, I know the keyboard by heart, so that won't be a problem, but you will need to read my emails to me and allow me to drive 'by braille'.

There are days when you wake up and your eyes are not glued shut with allergy gross-ness, and your nose is open on both sides (amazing!) and your mouth is not dryer that the Sahara and your throat doesn't ache from breathing opened mouth all night long.  Those days you THINK that it's OKAY to venture into your vanity area of the bathroom and crack open some makeup, but think again  -OR just bring some makeup remover and some cotton balls to work 'cause you're gonna need them.

Ice and ice packs are incredibly helpful.  If you can find a walk in freezer or fridge, even better. 

What's that you say, again?  Over the counter stuff works, this is good, that works, etc?  Honey, I've been around this pharmacy aisle so many times that it's high time someone give me my pharmacy technician certificate.  Stat.  All that stuff does is either burn the hell outta your nasal membranes or put you to sleep.  Oh and I almost forgot, that stuff also can make you a crappy driver.  Sometimes, you don't even know how you got home or what day it is.  Just skip all of it and get the nasal rinse, neti pots - it's your only hope, Druggie Kenobi.

There ARE a few nasal sprays that honestly work and that will get you through your life a little bit - or at least through your shift at work or long day, but, of course, they are prescription only and cost an arm and a leg.  The only working stuff is the stuff that either isn't covered by your insurance or that costs close to $100 per bottle, 15 usages.  The spray that IS covered isn't worth the cardboard it's packaged in. 

Someone recently told me that their mother swears by drinking hot water with bee pollen.  Straight, no Sudafed chaser here.  I'm considering trying this method, but I know that the makeup will still be on vacation since all the natural methods insist that you must do this type of stuff three times a day for a year, etc.

I'm not that organized in my personal life and in the meantime, I'll keep doing the nasal rinse that is so intrusive that I can only perform it at night.  However, it's the only thing that 'works' besides the $100 nasal spray, so I guess that's my only option for now.

So, while I'm in a drug infested cloud of 'what day/year is it' during allergy season at night, hiding away in my room with the portable cleaned out A/C running, I'm reading lovely magazines showing me all sorts of GREAT Spring looks, makeup, fake eyelashes with feathers, teal eyeliners and the like.  Yeah, like that's ever going to happen for me - hey, can you pass the ice pack to me again, I don't think my left eye is opening properly due to being swollen shut.

The next time you see me during this season and I happen to be outside (baseball game, fundraiser, trying to breathe, etc.) with my nose and mouth covered with a mask, blanket, towel, part of my sweatshirt jacket, etc., you'll know why.  Allergies?  Yes, but more importantly, it's due to the lack of 'glam' and the return of Spring.

I always think of this quote about hot weather and apply it to allergies:  "What dreadful hot weather we have! It keeps me in a continual state of inelegance," by Jane Austen.  Change out the 'hot weather' and put in 'Spring allergies' and we're good.